A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
