I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
