So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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