I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
