I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
