Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
