And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
