Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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