Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
