very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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