why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
