Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Green mimosas i think yes
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
