I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
