Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
