I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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