at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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