My hair reeks of homosexuality.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
