I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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