i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
