I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
