I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
