you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
