new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
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