I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
