I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
