How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
