what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
