His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I had to cum in my sink.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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