Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
