i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
