I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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