we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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