you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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