He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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