I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
