I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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