I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
