I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
