i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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