It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
