Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
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