there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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