i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The Olympian is in my bed
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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