His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We are two peas in an std pod
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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