Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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