I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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