the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
