he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
