someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
