you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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